I remember my first anxiety attack very clearly

I won't go into too many details about all that. You'll have to stay tuned for my memoir. I'll give you this: it involved a Holy Mountain show, boy with a bicycle, a soon to be empty bottle of whiskey and the knowledge that I was in way, way over my head.

That is neither here nor there though, really. It's just that, well, all day I've been having anxiety attacks and that combined with the waves of nausea and intense deja vu of that particular experience are making me absolutely nuts.

Okay. Just thought ya'll should know.

HOLY SHIT.

My stomach just fell into my knees. Like, just right now.


My bags are packed, I'm ready to go but I'm not coming back and I won't be wearing anyone's wedding ring.


That's kind of funny. Actually. Seeing as how the fact that my not getting married was a major catalyst in all of this insanity.


Welcome to my existential crisis.

On that note, last night was the opening for my student show @620. It went so well and I had so much fun and I'm so proud of all of them and saying good-bye was emotional. This afternoon is my going away happy hour at work and tomorrow I'm meeting some friends at Cider House after my last client event. Then I leave.

Weird. That stomach thing just happened again.

I don't know what it is. Maybe when things end, you think about how they began. At least I think I saw that in a movie or something.

Maybe it's the realization that everything I hated about him was pieces of myself. Well, love is just narcissism anyways, so I guess it makes sense that hate would be too. There's a thin line I guess. Or at least I think I saw that in a movie or something.

Regardless, life is good. No complaints here. So far. And so what if I loved him and he never felt the same. So what if I wear stupid shoes and talk too much and should work out more and have a lot to learn about life and all of that. Because I'm not willing to settle and at least I'm armed with that.

Now if only I could sell my damned car.

nelly-pamalita-barcalona

Slight change of plans- my lovely, intellengent and soon-to-be wordly friend Nell is meeting me in Barcalona at the end of July. So, I've decided to amend my route as follows:
Paris->Florence->Tuscan Countryside (omg! vineyards! olive groves! I mean, have you seen Stealing Beauty?! You should.)->Rome->Barcalona

Yeah. I guess you could say i'm pretty excited.

Hey Ya'll.

Anyone wanna buy a 2003 Ford Focus? I'll throw in that half empty bottle of Early Times in the trunk at no extra charge.

Also, who wants to loan me $60 grand for school? Promise i'll pay you back...

I may actually be getting stressed out about this. 25 days till blast off.

playlist.

Daisychains~Youth Group
You're So Vain~Carly Simon
Dear Chicago~Ryan Adams
Hold It, Kid~The Weeks
South Tacomaway~Neko Case
I'm on Fire~Bruce Springsteen
Pretty Girl at the Airport~The Avett Brothers
Westfall~Okkervil River
Babe, You Turn Me On~Nick Cave& The Bad Seeds
Echo~Voxhaul Broadcast
No Children~The Mountain Goats
The Comeback~Shout Out Louds
Wagon Wheel~Against Me!
Car~Built To Spill
The Bottom of the Bay~Readyville
Slow Show~The National
All Your Faithless Loyalties~Two Gallants

One Year Ago...

I boarded a plane returning from our Nation's Capital with a very unnerving feeling in the pit of my stomach. Watching the the National Monument fade into the back ground of a pink sky; watching big fat tears fall into my double tall Old Fashioned resting on my tray table, I knew something had changed in me. I knew that every step I took upon landing back in Florida would have to be a step towards leaving. And this time for good.

Life is harder work, but so much easier to live with a formidable purpose. I've learned more about myself and more about my capacity to edure emotional and physical labors this year than I thought possible. I could tell you all about the sacrifices I've made, the leasons I've learn. I could tell you how to tile a bathroom, part with personal belongings. I could show you how to move out of a house that is more of a home to your 25 year old heart than anything, or anyone has ever been. But I've never been one to linger. What I really want to do is tell you my story. From the begining. This isn't a new chapter; this is a new book. On May 30th I fly to Paris. I don't have a plan, other than that on July 27th I'll fly to New York City. And in theory, this Fall, I'll begin my Gradute work at the oldest private university in this great country.

I'm ready to let my life get a little messy. Won't you join me?